"Do you feel like you've fallen from grace?" Jon asked yesterday morning. Zephyr had awakened and snuggled into me as I wrapped my arm around him. "Mommy, you need to wash up," Zephyr held his hand over his nose as he squirmed away. My off-the-cuff-defensive response to Jon's question was a quick, "No." Followed a moment later by a more honest and thoughtful, "Yes, I guess I do."
I can't help but recall the first few weeks of Zephyr's life. Jon would go to work, Zephyr and I would lie around on the bed, our only piece of furniture at the time. Babies that age are either nursing or sleeping, and I was doing the same. The postpartum hormones were contributing in a couple of ways at the time; I was blissed out by my beautiful baby, but also smelling like a sweaty horse. I remember Zephyr snuggling into my armpit as he slept, and thinking, "No one will ever love the smell of my armpit as much as this tiny new person does right now." And he did. Until yesterday.
I know he didn't think I was perfect until yesterday. He's become angry with me on several occasions, of course, and told me I was wrong. I've apologized to him for times when I acted impulsively and insensitively. But I feel like his recognition of my smell represents a new kind of independence. A separation. Now he is distinguishing between the way he smells and the way I smell, and passing judgment. Before, I think it was more of an "our smell." And it just was what it was, accepted, never noteworthy. (It hasn't been the same for Jon. Zephyr has been known to declare things like, "Something smells spicy around here. It's you, Dad!") It may seem ludicrous to spend time ruminating on such a subject as Zephyr commenting on my BO, but I guess it struck a nerve. My little guy is growing up, developing his own identity, apart from me. It's natural and desirable, but I can't shake the feeling that time is passing by too quickly, and I want to hang on to this part of my life that I'm so desperately loving.
Perhaps I should look on the bright side. I may have more privacy in the bathroom!
3 comments:
More privacy in the bathroom? I think not, until Jubi gets equally grownup!"
As I read this, Grady came along and said "I like how Zephyr looks like this with his cheeks all perked up."
I've been accused of smelling too. Of course, I denied it. ;)
ah nora bell,
i have never known anyone who has enjoyed motherhood so much as you.
it makes my heart happy to find you so happy, and stinky too :)
xxxx
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